I think I have Battered Wife's Syndrome.
 I have been beaten up.
I have been bruised.
I have been heartbroken.
Relationships have been cut off.
I have been discredited, discounted...
and that's just the beginning...

I haven't left.
I haven't left because I am fearful.
Fearful that I will be at more risk out in the world alone
than I am inside the walls.
Fearful that I will be further discredited
further discounted.
I have not left because
the resources available are all I had.
I haven't left because I've been isolated.
I have been psychologically dependent.
This is all I have.

I have worked so hard for this one relationship.
6 years.
If I walk away...
I'll have to start all over. 

My kids.
While I'm drowning...
my kids are doing okay...
at least they appear happy. 

If I left...
it would be my fault.
I didn't try hard enough.
I didn't jump through the right hoops.
Guilt.
I will have just given up.
If I left,
I would be leaving others behind
and
they need me.

I haven't left because time and time again I'm told
"It will get better"
"Just hang in there"
"Tough it out"
"Be the pioneer."
I want this to be true.
I want it to get better.
I've listen to the promise of change
...only to be disappointed every time
and yet,

I haven't left. 
I haven't left because I am a woman
and as much as I keep hearing
women are equal
(and I believe we are)
actions speak louder than words
the continual forcing of domestic roles
and degrading of feminine attitudes
has taught me that...
I am less than
and I will always be
dependent on my abuser.

I've withstood the pain.
I haven't left because I've believed
that this is all to honor my God. 
I've believed that this is
my taking up my cross 
bearing the pain
of 6 years. 

I haven't left
because I cling to the
happy moments
the times when I can't help
but smile
and be proud...
I cling to the all that is good
to the hearts of those I love...
For sure
moments have--have been there
moments that feed my soul
until the next abuse
These moments
have kept me still.

I haven't spoken of my abuse,
except to my closest friends.
No one would believe me anyways.
They would never believe
the stories,
the abuse,
the neglect,
the pain...
they would choose to side with my abuser,
even though if they were really honest,
if we were all really honest,
we would have to admit
that it has happened to us. 

Probably the biggest reason
I haven't left...
Love.
and despite all the evidence
proving otherwise,
I still believe 
that this is
what love is.
This is the best 
that one can hope for
because we are just
imperfect people.

And then I realize that
I've got it all wrong--
my abuser
is
NOT
my
spouse...

I am a Bride...
with my groom there is no fear
Even if I walk away
I will not be alone
my groom goes with me...
He promises
He will never leave me nor forsake me
and He means it.

My groom supplies
all my needs
and
it is Him that my
hope must be in...
       not my abuser.

While I have
been isolated
and made to be
dependent
on my abuser...
My Spouse
promises that
there is a community where
relationships are holy, sacred.
There is a healthy dependency
in His community. 

While 6 years
doesn't count to some...
to my Groom...
they mean
EVERYTHING. 
He has seen my tears,
He has heard my cries.
He has cried with me
and has even suffered
some of the same abuses
by the same abuser.

My Groom
assures me that
my children will be okay
because His community
belongs to children,
to the least of these,
to the abused,
to the battered...

There is no shame
or condemnation in my Spouse...
there is no reason
for guilt
and every reason
for wholeness
and health.

My Groom
does not make
shallow
promises
for distant hope
or change...
He makes
promises
He keeps
and offers
hope
and
change
today.

My Groom
values me
as a woman...
He treasures women 
and builds them up.
He created me
beautiful
in His image
He completes me
and I complete Him...

And I've realized that my abuse was not His plan,
that His heart cries out to the injustice that I
and many more
have withstood in His name. 
And I've realized
my hope had been misplaced...
in something bearing His name...
that freedom lies in walking away
that freedom comes
in standing up for myself
in loving myself
because I am worthy
I am called
I am Loved
and my purpose doesn't lie in the walls of my abuser
but in the community that is my Grooms
Freedom to love myself
so that I can effectively love others...

My One Hope
is my Groom,
my spouse,
Jesus Christ...

I was sleeping on an air mattress at my dads on the living room floor as I contemplated going to the Sparrows Nest to attend the Ready for Life program they offered. I prayed over it and decided to stay at my dad’s house over the weekend so I could transition back to my life in Toledo.

After telling my dad my plans to stay at the Sparrows Nest he told me that if I wanted to I could live in his 3 unit house in Toledo. He informed me that the upper 2 bedroom unit was vacant. I went over to check it out and saw all the work it needed. I decided to pray over it and start to get it cleaned up because regardless if I stayed there or not it needed to be done to get a new tenant in.

As I was cleaning and becoming overwhelmed with confusion of what to do I went to my brothers and sisters in Christ for wisdom. They confirmed what the Lord was telling me. This is where the Lord needs me to be. After two months of cleaning and painting the apartment looks amazing! I absolutely love it and finally have a place to call home. After two years of house sitting, living at a ministry, and doubling up I have a stable and secure place to live.

The Lord told me that after I get into the apartment that I should then focus on employment. I applied to various temporary agencies with a successful 3 days of work, just enough for gas money and my first utility bills.

I had an interview with an amazing ministry in Toledo and am waiting to hear from them. I am once again hopeful and am trusting that the Lord is going to open the door soon. I have been helping with various ministries and joined a new home church that is close to my heart.

The Lord opened up to me an amazing opportunity to be a Rescue Chaplain for Cherry Street Mission Ministries. I never dreamed that the Lord would have me in such an amazing place. I am so grateful that I am able to serve.

I was gone for 5 months and am just now getting settled in and getting the opportunity to catch up with friends and family, hearing about what the Lord has been doing in their lives. I have been able to spend time with my children that I missed so much while I was away. They are very excited about our new home and my return.

When I moved into the apartment I had very little. Now I have a bed, furniture, bathroom and kitchen supplies thanks to the amazing people of the community that came together to help someone they didn’t even know.

In summary, I drove back to Ohio from Kentucky, was blessed with an apartment, cleaned and painted, was blessed by the community with gifts for my new home, I get to see my children, volunteer with amazing people with incredible ministries, and became a Rescue Chaplain. I have been blessed with pure abundant overflowing joy. Happiness is temporary, joy is everlasting.

I just finished reading exodus and it reminded me of…me. I just turned 40. I feel like I have been wandering in the wilderness for 40 years and now the Lord is bringing me into the Promise Land.

So where am I at you ask?

Heaven on earth-The Promise Land

God Bless,
Peyton